Friday, September 30, 2005

Strep Tease

For the past couple of days I have been subjected to the torture which can only be known as “strep.” Or, strepalacaucoluphugus, I think that’s the technical term for it. I like to call it, “I would rather rip out my throat and eat it in a stew.” I know, if I already ripped out my throat it would be somewhat difficult to eat it, but that’s not my point. My point is: I have been in hell.

Today, today is much better. I think my body is channeling the spirit of my 20-year-old self, the one that just felt so much better because the day of the week is FRIDAY. Friday really means nothing to me now, just more work to do over the weekend, what with the grocery shopping and the laundry and the “Mom I’m bored.” Awwwww shucks! Who am I kidding? I still love Fridays with a passion! Only now, I love it vicariously through Cody and Colton—hooking them up with fast food and fast chicks…I mean, fast food and Blockbuster videos. So, TGIF—I’m feeling better.

I could also be feeling better because of the antibiotics my M.D. put me on, but that’s not likely. During my office visit, she asked me if I had taken anything for my fever and I indicated by pointing a weak finger to my throat that if I even tried swallowing anything at that point, I would probably pass out from the pain—and wet myself. That being said, she prescribed me the children’s version of amoxicillin to save me from death and self wetting. So sweet. So sickeningly sweet. I don’t know if any of you remember taking that thick, pudding-like, baby pink amoxicillin, but it’s not good for adults. My throat is getting better, but every time I look at the bottle I have to think of a happy place (Desert Pearl in Zions, Encinada, Mi Ranchitos Mexican Restaurant) to even get myself to swallow it. It’s like swallowing those pink elephants in Dumbo—in liquid form. Something like that. But, the trooper I am, I’m going to keep on taking it. More like, the submissive little woman I am, I’m not going to call my M.D. to prescribe me the “big kids” amoxicillin. I’ll just finish it.

On a more positive note, Anthony mentioned Chili’s tortilla soup this morning, and the thought of it has kept me going all day. It’s the only thing that sounds good (and possible) to eat. That and the ol’ tried and true Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup.

Nichole, remember when R made that for us? After the gnomes, and the sand, and the salt pellets and sugar packets? (NOBODY ASK!)

MMMMMM—MMMMMM—Good! In true tradition I must close with a big fat....

HAPPY FRIDAY

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

STREP!

Strep has hit the West Coast, and me.

Me no lots of bloggie today. Me sleep and spray numbing liquid on puss covered throat.

No


more


energy....


sleep now.

Monday, September 26, 2005


These Shoes Were Made For Blogging Posted by Picasa

WHERE?!

I really don't have anything funny and/or interesting to write about. Well, maybe I do, but I'm just too lazy and need to get to the gym. So why am I even bothering to blog this morning--well, because if I don't then NOBODY ELSE WILL. And I need the blogs, the blogs are what start the week and get my mediocre creative juices flowing. (Nick, Suzy, consider this your warning: Blog this morning or no juice ba-bas or Gerber snack stix tonight. No Trampoline World either.)

Speaking of flowing juices (was I speaking of flowing juices?), I have a tasty Starbucks right here--Tall Nonfat Vanilla Latte. Juice of the Columbian Gods. Nothing to gets you ready for the gym like a cup of caffeine and sugar--ZOOM! ZOOOOOOOM!!! That's me...right now.

The Starbucks is compliments of my husband, Anthony. Believe it or not. I have the most perfect husband in the world. He gets me coffee--well, indirectly. He gave me a gift card so's I can gets me my cawfee! The next step is actually getting him to buy it with real money, while I'm standing there. HAR! It will happen, you want to know why? Because he's the greatest husband a woman could ever hope and dream for. And he's really good at....stuff.

(Dear Anthony,

I gave you props in the blog today. Now people know that I love you and I'm not going to cheat on you with the lead actor in Prison Break, House, or Cody and Colton's soccer coach. Just because he's bald doesn't mean I want to hump him.

Love you always,

Charise)

What a great start to the week! See you all on the eliptical suckas!

Friday, September 23, 2005

because friday should be date night....or, would you still love me if i bought you Wendy's and ate it all in front of you?

My sisters and I enjoy making fun of others. It makes us feel better about ourselves—is that so wrong? Today’s victims are those silly little groups of RMs (return missionaries) and virginal coeds that get together and think of “creative” dates to go on. In my past dating experiences, dating creativity was pretty much limited to which alcoholic beverage we were going to mix with which non-alcoholic beverage, and that was just fine by me. But, today’s LDS Youth are more complicated and must be more creative than that, which is exactly why “we” (Me, Nick, and Suzy) have compiled the following list:

25 (Super Lame and Embarrassing) Wholesome Dates for Today’s LDS Youth



1. Take a trip to Wendover and pretend to be "bad" by drinking virgin Margaritas and gambling in the "video arcade".

2. Stage a fake proposal in the park - swoon and scream when your date "pops" the question. Then loudly say "NO! As if! We could never be eternally happy!" in front of the gathering crowd.

3. Start a sweet spirited chain letter cursing everyone who doesn't forward it on. Threats can include never getting married, getting married but to a GENTILE, never having kids, never learning the secret to high-quality canning, and being forever doomed to driving a station wagon/mini-van for the rest of your life—even though you don’t have any kids.

4. Visit the Daughters of the Utah Pioneers Museum dressed like an old time
Pioneer! Pretend as if you are shopping for wagons at a wagon dealership. When the guide refuses to sell a wagon to you at Blue Book—tell everyone that he/she is a witch.

5. Pack up all your favorite LDS movies and take them for a midnight
Screening—at the local elementary school football field! Don't forget
to bring the generator and homemade quilts to cozy under!

6. Go Dutch on your date to the Brick Oven, literally. Make your own cardboard clogs and hold silk tulips in your hand. Lederhosen, braids, and those silly white hats are a must!

7. Paint your faces with your favorite college colors. Then, have a fun-filled game of flag football-IN THE MALL FOOD COURT! When security tries to arrest you, tackle them like only Steve Young could!

8. Instead of a wine tasting in Sonoma County, have a soda tasting in your parents backyard. Bring Your Own Styrofoam Cups! Spitting not necessary.

9. Take a trip to the Zoo parking lot. Listen closely to what animal sounds you hear, then do your best to imitate those sounds as loud as you can!

10. Have a "Crazy Dinner." Eat your food with oven mitts on and use only baby utensils. Tuck the tablecloth in and use as a napkin. What a riot!

11. Rent a four-seated bike for you and your date. Place stuffed
animals or scarecrows in the other two empty seats. Drive your "group" up and down a main road or street. Afterwards, when you go for ice cream at the BYU Creamery, order for your special "friends" as well as you and your date.

12. Go to a busy place such as an airport or shopping mall (The Gateway would be great for this!). Ask where shops or restrooms are in PIG LATIN! When people don't answer you, ask them again in sign language. If they still don’t answer you, tackle them like only Steve Young could!

13. Get out the tape recorders and rice-you're making a radio show!
Reenact one of your favorite B.O.M (Book of Mormon) or Bible Stories. (The violent ones are always the most fun!) After you're finished, make copies and send to all the local radio stations. Follow-up with demanding/threatening letters of inquiry.

14. Pretend you are homeless and panhandle for your dinner at a local
supermarket. Whoever gets the most money, wins a prize! Don’t forget to pay tithes on your “earnings.”

15. Eat a picnic lunch someplace zany, like an OB/GYNs office, or the parking lot of the DMV!

16. Go on a double date with your parents to a nursing home for dinner. Make silly jokes (over plates of creamed corn and meatloaf smoothies) about one day ending up there together. Dance the night away to Lawrence Welk.

17. Go to a Five Star restaurant and dine on nothing but bread and water. Tip your server in pennies.

18. Go to a thrift store with three dollars each and see who can find the wackiest shirt! Then wear the shirts somewhere your date will be humiliated, like to a Bishop’s interview, or her Great Aunt’s funeral!

19. Have a scavenger hunt for picnic items at your grocery store.
Eat all the items in the checkout line!

20. Go Christmas caroling...in JULY!!!!!! Be sure to dress warm! Moon boots, turtlenecks, and modesty are a must!

21. Make finger paintings, and then have an impromptu opening! Invite your friends and serve fingers foods and sparkling cider, just like at a real art show. (Hmmm...that one actually sounds sort of fun. But it is still pretty lame so it stays on the list.)

22. Make boxing gloves out of paper Mache and have a mock-boxing match. The winner gets to go to Heaven.

23. Read children's books at your local library together. Sit in the tiny chairs and laugh at how silly you both look. Pay your overdue fines before you leave.

24. Go camping! See how long you can keep the opposite sex from sleeping. Poking and tickling isn’t mentioned anywhere in the “For the Strength of the Youth” booklet—so it’s ALL GOOD!

25. Rip out two random pages in your local area phone book. Send the names, phone numbers, and addresses to the local missionaries as “serious prospects.”











Okay, that should be plenty to keep any young-blooded (or relationship challenged) LDS couple from fornicating—don’t you think? Feel free to add more ideas if so inclined.


HAPPY FRIDAY!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Thanks for the pap--can I bring you a Starbucks or something next time?

I don’t know what it is about GYN appointments and blogs, but the two go hand in hand like bare feet in metal stirrups (HAR!). I have read far too many blogs that women post after their annuals and I should know better than to post one myself—but I can’t resist. I’m sorry.

In the past, my GYNs have usually been the grey-haired “older man” types, I would compare them to a grandfather—but that would just be WRONG. So, we’ll just say that they reminded me of someone my grandfather would have gone golfing with. They were the type of old men that would probably wear seersucker and drink mint juleps, if so inclined. These old gentlemen were terribly nice, but our visits were always somewhat uncomfortable as I’m sure any woman reading this can imagine. Many women dread going to their GYN, I didn’t dread it—I just didn’t look forward to it. Sort of like Thanksgiving with your parents, or helping your kids with their homework. Unpleasant yes, torture—not quite.

All the GYN “unpleasantness” in my life changed yesterday. I met the GYN of my dreams. No, my GYN is not a man that looks like the guy in Prison Break—that wouldn’t be a dream, that would be a nightmare of sorts, trying to explain to my husband why all of the sudden I needed to go to the GYN once a week instead of once a year. Anthony wouldn’t buy any of the excuses, I’m sure of it. My new GYN is even better than the Prison Break guy—she’s a talker!

So yesterday, instead of just staring up at the ceiling listening to the little comments my old GYN would make like, “You have a nice, flat stomach” and “How are the twins?” I had a full on conversation with my GYN about the Redondo Beach Unified School District and her involvement with the fitness and nutrition program. We talked about how children need to “move about” more, and what they don’t like about the hot lunches schools had to offer. I know where she’s from (NYC), how long she’s lived in Redondo (12 years), and that she used to teach some medical seminars in Utah. I learned all this while she touched my breasts and swabbed my—well—you know. It was fabulously distracting! She even gave me her email when we were through, it wasn't at all like the one night stand feeling I used to get after my previous annuals.

So now that I know my future appointments aren’t going to be cold and sterile like they were in the past, I’m sort of looking forward to the next one. A kinder, friendlier annual. After a conversation like yesterday’s, I feel much closer to my GYN—who knows, maybe I’ll ask her out to coffee sometime.

Or…maybe not.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Complaints--ZUZU may not want to read

Just a random list of things that are bothering me right now (this is targeted to no one in particular—honestly):

I’m tired of lies. I’m tired of avoidance behavior. I’m tired of people playing stupid when it comes to very important matters. Just tell me the truth, all of it! Quit hiding shit.

I’m tired of meeting men who have been raised by their mommies and don’t know how to take care of a woman, let alone themselves. No, I’m not going to roll your fucking socks like she did, and I never will--get on with your bad self.

I’m tired of men who have been raised by a church that suppresses their sexuality to the point of perversion/obsession. I like sex and I’ve never really been ashamed about it. If I want sex, I have sex. I don’t go about it all sleazy, pretending like I’m somebody I’m not. Men who take advantage of women then pass the sacrament the next day should have to get anally raped by Satan before they can even TRY to get into the Telestial Kingdom.

It is not an “accident” if you grope a girl’s crotch—God knows.

Dry humping is a ridiculously painful waste of time, so all you little 21 year olds who just got off of your mission, a way to a girls heart is with your head in between her legs. Just being honest.

I’m sick of men who put certain criteria on women, yet don’t place the same criteria for themselves. For example, the BYU grad with a gut that dresses like 1996 is everyday, and lives with four other guys with similar descriptions. This guy wants a girl that looks like she should star in MTV’s Laguna Beach. He doesn’t work out, doesn’t make a ton of money, and it basically one layer deep when it comes to conversation. Why in the hell would a woman like that want a man like you? You know who you are, loser.

The Word of Wisdom is not the cornerstone for the Mormon religion. I’m tired of feeling like I would be in more trouble if I got caught drinking a glass of Ecco Domani, than I would if I purchased an Ouija board and used it to channel the spirit of Governor Boggs.

I’m tired of men that think just because they don’t drink or smoke or snort crack that they’re saints. If you downloaded that free 2-minute girl-on-girl clip off the internet, or you got really hard watching American Pie, you should probably go see Bishop So-and-So if you want to keep your Temple Reccomend. Better yet, snort a line, then go see him—maybe then you’ll feel bad that you’re a fucking asshole who objectifies women.

Last but not least, I can’t stand people who don’t practice what they preach. If you don’t practice it, don’t preach it. And sure as hell don’t tell others to do something that you yourself aren’t prepared to do.

Bad Poetry--Happy Friday

Please Feel Free NOT to Comment


It feels like I handed you my heart, hesitantly
And you took it, held on to it
But whenever I wasn’t looking
You cut it, and let it bleed
Curious as to why it was there
In the first place

I want my heart back
It’s not yours

It seems like
Everything I thought I was
Everything I thought we were
Was a discarded fiction novel
The resolution pages
Are all torn out now

What is our reality?
What do I mean to you?

I feel like
A cripple
A leper
A fool
All of them
Reaching out to you

I thought I was
A princess
A prize
A passion

In reality

I was
An open shot
Waiting for a slap
In the face

Saturday, September 10, 2005

What Will They Think of Next?

Cody after soccer today:

"Mom, I have to go pee sooooooooo bad. I have to go sooooooo bad I can feel my heart beat in my balls."







After that comment, I don't know what else to write.

Friday, September 09, 2005

if i was born with remotes for hands, would you still love me?

Overheard this morning before school:

(Colton speaking)

"Cody, if you had to watch either Dora (the explora) or the O.C., which one would you choose? Think about it, if those were the only two T.V. shows on. The O.C. has all that making out, and Dora..." Colton trails off, unable to verbally describe all the things wrong with Dora (the explora).

Cody never responded, it was that deep.

Thursday, September 08, 2005


Let's talk sex, sensible sex... Posted by Picasa


"Sensible Sex." Circa 1972 Posted by Picasa


Carmen Miranda Posted by Picasa


Sweet ass chair! Where did you get it? Posted by Picasa


Two Shorties and a Supermodel Posted by Picasa


Two Vixens and an Angel Posted by Picasa


1981 Posted by Picasa


"Jump! Jump! Jump!" they chanted. Posted by Picasa


Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, September 07, 2005


Well, the boys made it to 3rd grade. Notice the thrilled look on Cody's face. My sentiments are the same for my classes... Posted by Picasa

A Little Anger for a Little Woman

Since I'm totally bone dry right now, I'm going to post lyrics. How lame am I? I'm trying to figure that one out--

SKUNK ANANSIE--EVERY DAY HURTS

I CRIED ON MY BLOOD DAY
THERE WAS NOTHING THAT I COULD HOLD ON TO
JUST A LINE COULD HAVE HELPED
REMIND ME OF YOU, OF YOU

I SCREAMED TILL THE BLOOD CAME
I WAS LIVING IN A CLOUD OF HOPE
LOVER`S KISS,
THEN THEY MAKE A WISH TO THE END,
THEY PRETEND

CAUSE EVERYDAY HURTS A LITTLE MORE,
AND EVERYDAY HURTS A LITTLE MORE
AND I`LL DO ANYTHING
YES I`LL DO ANYTHING
TO BELONG, TO BE STRONG
TO SAY THERE`S NOTHING WRONG

EVERYDAY HURTS A LITTLE MORE
`COS EVERYDAY HURTS A LITTLE MORE
AND I`LL DO ANYTHING
YES I`LL DO ANYTHING
TO BELONG, TO BE STRONG
TO SAY THERE`S NOTHING WRONG

EVERYDAY HURTS

I CRIED IN THE SUNLIGHT
WOULD I FAKE ALL THE TIMES I LOVED YOU
JUST A PLAY IN A GAME
I TWISTED WITH YOU, WITH YOU
I NEED TO BELIEVE YOU
SACRIFICED ALL THE LIES WE MADE UP
HOW WE KISSED
THEN WE MADE OUR WISH TO THE END
TO THE END

EVERYDAY HURTS A LITTLE MORE
`COS EVERYDAY HURTS A LITTLE MORE
AND I`LL DO ANYTHING
YES I`LL DO ANYTHING
TO BELONG, TO BE STRONG
TO SAY THERE`S NOTHING WRONG

TIME MADE ME CONFIDE IN YOU
SO CONTRIVED WERE THE WORDS YOU SOLD ME
NOW NOTHING CAN SWALLOW
THE FEELING SO SHALLOW INSIDE

EVERYDAY HURTS A LITTLE MORE
`COS EVERYDAY HURTS A LITTLE MORE
AND I`LL DO ANYTHING
YES I`LL DO ANYTHING
TO BELONG, TO BE STRONG
TO SAY THERE`S NOTHING WRONG

Thursday, September 01, 2005


Moses Reincarnated Posted by Picasa

The Moses and the Hair

This morning Cody got into bed with me to snuggle and converse about life in general. The conversation begins:

"Mom, you know what's funny?" he asked.

"What?"

"Whenever we get together with Jimmy and Danny we always end up asking questions about each others’ religions."

Jimmy (9) and Danny (6) are Cody and Colton's good friends who belong to the Catholic Church. Not that this is uncommon in California, they actually have only one other friend that is Mormon here. Oh how I wish I had that childhood, maybe then I wouldn't have rejected religion in general at such an early age. But I digress.

"Oh, what kind of questions?" I asked, as I was dying to know how philosophical a bunch of kids under 10 could get.

"Well, did you know that Danny doesn't believe in Moses?"

"Uhhhhhhh...Danny doesn’t believe in Moses?"

"Yeah, the guy with permed hair holding a bible. Danny doesn’t believe in him."

"What? What guy with permed hair? What are you talking about?"

I was dying to know, because although I haven't really read much of the bible--I was pretty sure there was made no mention of Moses getting his hair permed.

"Yeah," Cody explained," there is a picture of him in your drawer."

"In my drawer?" Funny, I didn't recall having any pictures of biblical heros in my dresser drawer. Now, a Hustler vibrator I do have (unopened, mind you)--but no pictures of biblical heroes. None. Unless someone planted it...

"What picture are you talking about Cody?"

"Here, I'll show you," Cody said as he proceeded to pull open the top drawer of my dresser. I was hoping he didn't somehow unearth a photo of an ex-boyfriend and mistake him for some type of religious icon--because believe me, none of them deserve that type of credit!

"See, this picture..."

"Cody, what the!...That's a picture of Joseph Smith. Danny doesn't believe in Joseph Smith, that makes perfect sense." The Catholic Church would be a little messed up if all of the sudden they started believing in Joseph Smith.

What didn't make sense was:

1. Why was a picture of J. Smith in my dresser drawer? (Mom must have planted it years ago in the hopes that one day it would grace the walls of my home--not likely, much respect Mr. Smith, but currently I have NOTHING on my walls and I plan to keep it that way).

2. Why did J. Smith have a perm? His hair in said picture makes him look like some type of 80’s dream boat (sans the clothing from the 1800’s). Maybe God gave it to him as some sort of symbolic gift--but that's doubtful. My theory is that J. Smith must have sat under at least 100 rollers and 30 minutes of chemical bliss to get his hair that full bodied--no way is that natural!

Cody now knows that J. Smith is not Moses. I'm doing my part as a Mormon, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?