I Think I May Need to Begin Soul Searching--Not Soul Patrol Searching
Tonight I'm going to
American Idol Live.
I know, I don't even recognize myself when I look in the mirror.
And They Called the Baby "Teague"
So, in my earlier post I mentioned that Jez was having her baby. Well, guess what folks? Jez had her baby! She was in labor for almost 24 hours (that’s what I call a glutton for punishment). After laboring almost 24 hours, I would have expected her baby to be at least 17 lbs 13 oz with a head the size of a 12"
loquat, but instead Teague decided that he would defy nature and be born at the a-god-damn-dorable size of 5 lbs, 7 oz*. This was all around 3:42 a.m. I was there, via cell phone.
Right now I’m pathetically dining on my heart (picture me wielding KFC sporks), knowing that Suzy and Michele are in Utah holding the newborn god. Alas, I will have to wait until…get this LABOR DAY WEEKEND to see Teague in person. Until then, just had to tell Nick,
Congratulations New Mommy!*Jowel Alert! The pictures I have seen so far show that no baby jowels have formed on Teague yet. I’ll keep everyone posted if there are any new jowelvelopments.
A Little Early...Nonetheless...
Jez is having her baby! Jez is having her baby!I want to get in my car, abandon my freshly arrived kids, and drive 10 hours to see her. I can't though, my hands are tied--seriously, my hands are tied. Cody and Colton* have me bound with strong cord until I tell them where I hid all their college savings.
Did I mention Nick is HAVING HER BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*There was an extra "and Colton" here, but thanks to ICMs sarcastic eye, I had one of my Coltons removed. Not to worry, the removal went smoothly and they gave me some good painkillers. Two Coltons is one Colton too many.
Tonight, I Fell In Love With Ferlinghetti
Wild Dreams of a New BeginningLawrence FerlinghettiThere's a breathless hush on the freeway tonight
Beyond the ledges of concrete
restaurants fall into dreams
with candlelight couples
Lost Alexandria still burns
in a billion lightbulbs
Lives cross lives
idling at stoplights
Beyond the cloverleaf turnoffs
'Souls eat souls in the general emptiness'
A piano concerto comes out a kitchen window
A yogi speaks at Ojai
'It's all taking pace in one mind'
On the lawn among the trees
lovers are listening
for the master to tell them they are one
with the universe
Eyes smell flowers and become them
There's a deathless hush
on the freeway tonight
as a Pacific tidal wave a mile high
sweeps in
Los Angeles breathes its last gas
and sinks into the sea like the Titanic all lights lit
Nine minutes later Willa Cather's Nebraska
sinks with it
The sea comes over in Utah
Mormon tabernacles washed away like barnacles
Coyotes are confounded & swim nowhere
An orchestra onstage in Omaha
keeps on playing Handel's Water Music
Horns fill with water
ans bass players float away on their instruments
clutching them like lovers horizontal
Chicago's Loop becomes a rollercoaster
Skyscrapers filled like water glasses
Great Lakes mixed with Buddhist brine
Great Books watered down in Evanston
Milwaukee beer topped with sea foam
Beau Fleuve of Buffalo suddenly become salt
Manhatten Island swept clean in sixteen seconds
buried masts of Amsterdam arise
as the great wave sweeps on Eastward
to wash away over-age Camembert Europe
manhatta steaming in sea-vines
the washed land awakes again to wilderness
the only sound a vast thrumming of crickets
a cry of seabirds high over
in empty eternity
as the Hudson retakes its thickets
and Indians reclaim their canoes
Too Good Not to Pimp
Dear Readers,
For a delightful sight that is sure to warm the cockles of any meat lover's (or lacto vegetarian's) heart, please log on to:
http://purejackassery.blogspot.com/EOT.
I Like Me
Random thing that made me happy today:
Volunteering to take a giddy couple's picture at the beach today after noticing they were twisting and writhing in the ever-akward "let's take the picture ourselves" pose.
Score one for Charise's karma.
On the Way Home
It’s ironic that
Nick posted what she posted today, because I was thinking about similar things.
I was thinking about some of cases I have seen while working in a prosecutorial environment. Bad things. Sad things. Flat out make-you-sick-at-humanity things. At first when you come across this kind of information, you’re shocked. Then you become intrigued and start to wonder what made these people behave the way they did. You try reading true crime stories, to get more informed. You keep posted on the news to see if anything new has slipped out of the perp’s mouth that will bring clarification to the sickness. You flip through the psychiatric analysis looking for clues.
So much information but no real, solid answers to the real questions: Why do bad things happen? Why do sad things happen? Why do make-you-sick-at-humanity things happen?
I grew up believing that bad things happened to you if you sinned. Well, at this stage in life—I know that’s not true. Nobody should teach that type of lie. Psychologists tell us a lot of reasons for why bad things happen but they’re just scientific excuses.
I’ve finally come to my own personal conclusion as to why humans do horrible things. Drumroll please…
They just do, and we’ll never really know why.At least that’s what I’m going to tell my children when they come to me with the same questions. It’s the best I can do.
To Add to the Horror
Just when I get over the whole
Pimp Juice shocker, I get a call from the boys today in which they inform me how much fun they had at their friend D’s house last night. I asked them what was so much fun and apparently, in addition to playing on the Slip n’ Slide, they took turns aiming beebee guns at each other to see who had the best aim.
“Don’t worry Mom,” Cody explained, “we made sure to only shoot at each others backs so it wouldn’t hurt as bad.”
It’s taking so much restraint on my part keeping myself from jumping in the car, driving all night to Utah, so I can *shake the redneck out of the boys as fast as I can before it permanently sets in.
As soon as they get home, I’m putting them on a strict diet of organic fruits & veggies, hummus, whole grains, NPR, and play dates without weapons. It’s their only hope.
*The medical term for this is Shaken Redneck Syndrome
The Raisin Conspiracy--A Guest Blog
I know what this business with the raisins is all about. When you think about it, it makes perfect sense. It's a dastardly conspiracy that reaches up to the highest levels of the United States government. The FBI is in on it, certainly, but it looks as though the CHP has been left out of the loop. Hence the conflicting orders.
What am I talking about, you ask? This.
It's all a plot to get those damnable monstrosities from the 80's back into the American heart and mind! This truck driver was carting a load of genetically engineered raisins to a secret warehouse in San Ysidro where they were to go through some highly advanced chemical processes through which raisins are brought to life—Claymation style! Then they will wreak havoc by twiddling their fingers and singing tired old 60's soul songs. It will cause mass hysteria! I'm not sure
why our government wants to do this, but I think it has something to do with the Rapture. Somehow.
Think about it. You know I'm right.
—ICM
Keep Truckin'
I was going to post about a comical semi rollover that I saw on the news last night, but I can't find anything online about it. Since I don't have specific details, I'll give you the essentials--
Semi truck full of raisins rolls because the driver of the truck was running from the cops. When asked why he didn't pull over, the driver said the FBI told him not to.
A semi truck full of raisins. I've been mulling over the reasons as to why the FBI has an interest in the raisins. I have several theories, but until I get the details I need I'm going to have to remain quiet.
Yes, this is what keeps me awake at night.