Saturday, August 26, 2006

I Think I May Need to Begin Soul Searching--Not Soul Patrol Searching

Tonight I'm going to American Idol Live.

I know, I don't even recognize myself when I look in the mirror.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Q&A

Q: Why didn't the Deseret alphabet last as long as polygamy?


A: Because...



PS: HAPPY BIRTHDAY ICM!

Saturday, August 19, 2006

And They Called the Baby "Teague"

So, in my earlier post I mentioned that Jez was having her baby. Well, guess what folks? Jez had her baby! She was in labor for almost 24 hours (that’s what I call a glutton for punishment). After laboring almost 24 hours, I would have expected her baby to be at least 17 lbs 13 oz with a head the size of a 12" loquat, but instead Teague decided that he would defy nature and be born at the a-god-damn-dorable size of 5 lbs, 7 oz*. This was all around 3:42 a.m. I was there, via cell phone.

Right now I’m pathetically dining on my heart (picture me wielding KFC sporks), knowing that Suzy and Michele are in Utah holding the newborn god. Alas, I will have to wait until…get this LABOR DAY WEEKEND to see Teague in person. Until then, just had to tell Nick,

Congratulations New Mommy!


*Jowel Alert! The pictures I have seen so far show that no baby jowels have formed on Teague yet. I’ll keep everyone posted if there are any new jowelvelopments.

Friday, August 18, 2006

A Little Early...Nonetheless...

Jez is having her baby! Jez is having her baby!

I want to get in my car, abandon my freshly arrived kids, and drive 10 hours to see her. I can't though, my hands are tied--seriously, my hands are tied. Cody and Colton* have me bound with strong cord until I tell them where I hid all their college savings.


Did I mention Nick is HAVING HER BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


*There was an extra "and Colton" here, but thanks to ICMs sarcastic eye, I had one of my Coltons removed. Not to worry, the removal went smoothly and they gave me some good painkillers. Two Coltons is one Colton too many.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Tonight, I Fell In Love With Ferlinghetti

Wild Dreams of a New Beginning

Lawrence Ferlinghetti




There's a breathless hush on the freeway tonight

Beyond the ledges of concrete

restaurants fall into dreams

with candlelight couples

Lost Alexandria still burns

in a billion lightbulbs

Lives cross lives

idling at stoplights

Beyond the cloverleaf turnoffs

'Souls eat souls in the general emptiness'

A piano concerto comes out a kitchen window

A yogi speaks at Ojai

'It's all taking pace in one mind'

On the lawn among the trees

lovers are listening

for the master to tell them they are one

with the universe

Eyes smell flowers and become them

There's a deathless hush

on the freeway tonight

as a Pacific tidal wave a mile high

sweeps in

Los Angeles breathes its last gas

and sinks into the sea like the Titanic all lights lit

Nine minutes later Willa Cather's Nebraska

sinks with it

The sea comes over in Utah

Mormon tabernacles washed away like barnacles

Coyotes are confounded & swim nowhere

An orchestra onstage in Omaha

keeps on playing Handel's Water Music

Horns fill with water

ans bass players float away on their instruments

clutching them like lovers horizontal

Chicago's Loop becomes a rollercoaster

Skyscrapers filled like water glasses

Great Lakes mixed with Buddhist brine

Great Books watered down in Evanston

Milwaukee beer topped with sea foam

Beau Fleuve of Buffalo suddenly become salt

Manhatten Island swept clean in sixteen seconds

buried masts of Amsterdam arise

as the great wave sweeps on Eastward

to wash away over-age Camembert Europe

manhatta steaming in sea-vines

the washed land awakes again to wilderness

the only sound a vast thrumming of crickets

a cry of seabirds high over

in empty eternity

as the Hudson retakes its thickets

and Indians reclaim their canoes

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Frequent Flyer Miles (For Cody and Colton, of course)

Frequent flyer babies
Coming and going
But never really
Home

Round trip children
Non-stop flight
Feelings come and
Go

Check-in, check out
Claim your baggage
Before you leave
Please

Always missing
Always missed
Before you leave
Hug; kiss

One day, maybe
Your frequent flights
Will finally bring you
Home

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Too Good Not to Pimp

Dear Readers,

For a delightful sight that is sure to warm the cockles of any meat lover's (or lacto vegetarian's) heart, please log on to:


http://purejackassery.blogspot.com/
EOT.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

I Like Me

Random thing that made me happy today:

Volunteering to take a giddy couple's picture at the beach today after noticing they were twisting and writhing in the ever-akward "let's take the picture ourselves" pose.

Score one for Charise's karma.

On the Way Home

It’s ironic that Nick posted what she posted today, because I was thinking about similar things.

I was thinking about some of cases I have seen while working in a prosecutorial environment. Bad things. Sad things. Flat out make-you-sick-at-humanity things. At first when you come across this kind of information, you’re shocked. Then you become intrigued and start to wonder what made these people behave the way they did. You try reading true crime stories, to get more informed. You keep posted on the news to see if anything new has slipped out of the perp’s mouth that will bring clarification to the sickness. You flip through the psychiatric analysis looking for clues.

So much information but no real, solid answers to the real questions: Why do bad things happen? Why do sad things happen? Why do make-you-sick-at-humanity things happen?

I grew up believing that bad things happened to you if you sinned. Well, at this stage in life—I know that’s not true. Nobody should teach that type of lie. Psychologists tell us a lot of reasons for why bad things happen but they’re just scientific excuses.

I’ve finally come to my own personal conclusion as to why humans do horrible things. Drumroll please…

They just do, and we’ll never really know why.


At least that’s what I’m going to tell my children when they come to me with the same questions. It’s the best I can do.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

To Add to the Horror

Just when I get over the whole Pimp Juice shocker, I get a call from the boys today in which they inform me how much fun they had at their friend D’s house last night. I asked them what was so much fun and apparently, in addition to playing on the Slip n’ Slide, they took turns aiming beebee guns at each other to see who had the best aim.

“Don’t worry Mom,” Cody explained, “we made sure to only shoot at each others backs so it wouldn’t hurt as bad.”

It’s taking so much restraint on my part keeping myself from jumping in the car, driving all night to Utah, so I can *shake the redneck out of the boys as fast as I can before it permanently sets in.

As soon as they get home, I’m putting them on a strict diet of organic fruits & veggies, hummus, whole grains, NPR, and play dates without weapons. It’s their only hope.


*The medical term for this is Shaken Redneck Syndrome

Friday, August 04, 2006

The Raisin Conspiracy--A Guest Blog

I know what this business with the raisins is all about. When you think about it, it makes perfect sense. It's a dastardly conspiracy that reaches up to the highest levels of the United States government. The FBI is in on it, certainly, but it looks as though the CHP has been left out of the loop. Hence the conflicting orders.

What am I talking about, you ask? This.

It's all a plot to get those damnable monstrosities from the 80's back into the American heart and mind! This truck driver was carting a load of genetically engineered raisins to a secret warehouse in San Ysidro where they were to go through some highly advanced chemical processes through which raisins are brought to life—Claymation style! Then they will wreak havoc by twiddling their fingers and singing tired old 60's soul songs. It will cause mass hysteria! I'm not sure why our government wants to do this, but I think it has something to do with the Rapture. Somehow.

Think about it. You know I'm right.

—ICM

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Keep Truckin'

I was going to post about a comical semi rollover that I saw on the news last night, but I can't find anything online about it. Since I don't have specific details, I'll give you the essentials--

Semi truck full of raisins rolls because the driver of the truck was running from the cops. When asked why he didn't pull over, the driver said the FBI told him not to.

A semi truck full of raisins. I've been mulling over the reasons as to why the FBI has an interest in the raisins. I have several theories, but until I get the details I need I'm going to have to remain quiet.

Yes, this is what keeps me awake at night.