Motherhussy

While the Mice are Away

I don’t know if I’m the only parent that does this, but when my children leave out of town or to a friend’s house overnight, my level of responsibility drops to that of a newly emancipated teen. Let me add to that last description—a newly emancipated lazy teen. Let me add to that even further—a newly emancipated lazy, unhealthy teen. I could add more describing words to that one sentence (reckless, wild, undisciplined, unruly, disrespectful, gravy), but then that would end up being my whole blog, and nobody wants that. What I’m meaning to say is that having the children gone is often like being young and having your parents leave for the weekend. It’s little scary and a lot of fun.

Normally, as you all know, my schedule is fairly hectic starting from the time I wake up to hear Anthony’s sweet voice lulling, “Bitch! Get in the shower! You’re going to make the boys late for school, you lazy hussy!” (Just kidding. That would be really sad if he spoke to me that way, but it would be super funny for, like, three seconds before I kicked his ass…HARD!) From dropping the boys off at school, I’m off to work.

The task of digging up kitschy religious publications from underneath the sink in the church office usually keeps me quite busy at work, almost to the point of tears. Actually, I did cry once at the church a long, long, long time ago, but now that I got that out of the way I can focus on finding interesting artifacts in odd corners of the church office. It is a task, let me tell you. After dusting off from work, I often find myself at the library for an hour or so, straining legal research information through my sive of a brain. From the library it’s on to the Esplanade to try to cram in a few minutes of Dr. Laura’s psychotic radio pulpit preaching. (“You need to take care of your man. If you don’t take care of your man, some other slutty woman will take care of your man!”) From there it’s to school to get the boys, home to help them with their homework and make them a snack, all while trying madly to do dishes, prepare dinner, and hide the dust and mold that has settled in the house during my time away at work. It’s exhausting I tell you! Well, all that is going to change for a few days while the boys are in Utah. Actually, it has already.

Currently, while I type this, I am sipping on a Hansen’s vanilla coke—and it’s not diet! To add to the immaturity, I’m sipping it through none other than a Red Vine! For those of you puzzled at this combination, ask any child younger than 10 years of age and they will tell you that Red Vines® are the official soda sipping straw of the adolescent (they will tell you in that in those exact words). Actually, while I type, the straw just slipped into my coke—now it’s a vanilla cherry coke, I guess. Now, I wouldn’t dare trying any of this while Cody and Colton were here. They would immediately mimic the behavior resulting in $500.00 worth of new charges at the dentist, and a long night of caffeine induced boy fights sprinkled with with hysterical impersonations of the entire Desperate Housewives cast. Children’s Benadryl® anyone?

In addition to my childish spell of poor nutrition, I’ve also been indulging in the following:
 Movies that say the “F” word
 Novel reading (normally the only time I get to read is during my afternoon “evacuation”)
 Staying up past midnight
 Waking up after 7:00 am
 Listening to talk radio—24/7!
 Cussing out loud while driving
 Buying meals from places that take longer than six seconds to prepare the food
 Shutting the door on the boys’ room and pretending like it's a guest bedroom for starving artists

Oh, I know, I’m downright evil aren’t I? But I'm sure other parents do this as well. Maybe even worse—I’ve heard of parents that burn effigies of their children while dancing around in the moonlight drunk on mint juleps. Honest. I’m not that bad though. I do miss the little chaps. There was nothing like flying to Utah and sitting there squished lovingly in the middle of them on the plane. Cody leaned up against the window and placed his legs across my lap, while Colton snuggled in to my shoulder and fell asleep. They both slept almost an hour on our way there. At home, they won’t stay still for four seconds, let alone take a nap for an hour. I guess it was the lull of the plane’s engine combined with exhaustion from anticipation. Or it may have been the Children’s Benadryl®. Whatever it was, it was nice spending that time with them in quiet coziness. I bet they had no idea that while I was there cuddling with them, like a teenager plotting a kegger when his/her parents are away at a Christian marriage retreat, I was plotting my wild week without them. They’ll be back on Saturday, so now it’s just a question of what to do next, do I walk around naked in the house or drink milk out of the carton? Do I take a nap in the middle of the day or catch the afternoon version of Oprah?

The possibilities of what I might do are limitless. For now, I think I’ll start off with another round of Red Vines and coke. Huzzah!

posted by Anonymous @ 3:05 PM