Every Time I Type “I’m Cool” in Word, It Tries to Change it to “I’m Cooling”
So, this task, this task I’ve been assigned—or “tagged” to do, it troubles me. It troubles me for a couple of reasons, the main reason being that I know I’m not cool. How do I know I’m not cool? I know I’m not cool because I think I am cool. Didn’t Socrates say, “I think I am cool; therefore I am so totally not cool”. That would be really cool if he did. I am the anti-cool because I think I’m so emm-effing cool. So basically, I’m going online and purveying to you—my blogience, why I am something which I really am not. So, before I go any further, I apologize in advance for misleading any of you into thinking I am cool. I think I’m cool, but the more you read this post—the more you will realize, as the reader, that I am indeed not cool. Are we clear? Clear as Kool-Aide? (harharhar) Now, I present to you,
5 Reasons Why I Think I’m Cool
Numero Uno: The fact that I spelled out, in Spanish, “number one” instead of just typing a boring old “1.” makes me HELLA cool.
#2: I use words like “hella”.
#3: Before I was even old enough to drink, I was already working on my own winery. My technique was to pick grapes from our backyard, squish them up into a sick pulp then strain them in a sieve for their precious juices. Then, add a little sugar and some yeast to the grape juice and—Voila!—you have wine. Or so I thought. When the moment of truth came, I was expecting total underage drunkenness. There was no drunkenness, only stomach cramps accompanied by heavy disappointment. I guess this could go in the uncool category too.
#4: I have SUPER cool reproductive organs! Most women, let me rephrase that, most uncool women only get one baby the first time they get knocked up. How lame is that? Not me! I took pregnancy to the edge with multiple births. Having two placentas in your body is akin to rocking out HARD in the London Underground. It is. Let me tell you, you want to be punk rock and put other people in awe of your coolness—*make two humans inside your body! Penn and Teller got nothing on me beyotches! (*With that I must add that I bow down deeply to the Queens, nay, Goddesses of Coolness—mothers of triplets, quadruplets, quintuplets, sextuplets, seventuplets, eightuplets, ninetuplets, and bakers dozens. Now that is cool! And, I might add, scarier than watching Jacob’s Ladder by yourself…on Children’s Benadryl®).
#5: In high school, I was so hep that instead of hanging out with troubled teens at lunch, I could be found in the school library listening to Jethro Tull and bagging on the drill team with our beloved school librarian, Mr. Atwood. I had friends; really, I was just too cool to hang-out with them. They wouldn’t have understood me anyway.
So there you have it. Five reasons why I think I’m cool. Please don’t ever ask me to list these reasons again. I’m already less cool just for writing this.
Now, to make me feel better about my self-promotion, I give you:
5 Reasons Why I Don’t Think I’m Cool
Numero Uno: Instead of typing “1.” like a normal cool person would, I went the route of the geek and spelled out “number one”—in Spanish! I’ve never even been to Spain!
#2. I use words like “hella”. I try not to, but my inner geek that is trying to be cool often times spews forth outdated slang. I am currently hanging my head in shame just thinking about this uncool fact. So early 90s. So Elko, Nevada.
#3. I have Mariah Carey on my iTunes. Oh my bleeding heck! It’s not my fault, but I can’t help but feel indirectly less cool for having this type of music chilling next to my freshly downloaded Boz Scaggs. It’s a crime I tell you! A musical crime!
#4. I shop at Old Navy sometimes. I’m CHEAP and nerdy!
#5. I go to bed at early hours after typing feverishly for a blog that is purely for my amusement. Somebody call the cool-cops, there’s a nerd on the loose!
Okay, enough narcissism and self-loathing for one night. This was a very therapeutic activity, I must say I feel rather balanced right now, and I don’t like it one bit.
EOT
posted by Anonymous @ 10:00 PM
6 Comments:
I certainly have some things in my iTunes that are so uncool, they sometimes make me wish I were dead:
"Mr. Roboto" by Styx
"Cotton Eye Joe" by Rednex
"Scatman" by Scatman John
"Shattered Dreams" by Johnny Hates Jazz*
But nothing I have approaches the level of Mariah "seven-octave range my ass" Carey! Hang your head in shame!
*I'm told that Johnny Hates Jazz was named after an actual guy named Johnny who really hated jazz!
I've tried to scour my itunes. But every so often something hideously barenakedladiesish pops up. Oh, and you forgot Justin Timberlake. Remember we love him...WE LOVE HIM. That is totally un-cool.
Oh, I'm WAY worse... I have New Kids on the Block. Honestly, I had no idea they were that horrible the first time around, so it's a learning experience for me. But hey, they're MY BEATLES, right?
New Kids 4-Eva!!! That's so deliciously CAMP!
By the way, Charise...I'm walking proof that substituting Spanish for English when it isn't necessary is totally cool. Hace much frio! Bien, bien!
Haha, you made me laugh, though. That definitely=cool.
cool!
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