Motherhussy

When I told people I was moving to Southern California (So Cal from here on out), that I would be living literally down the street from the beach, they were all like, “Wow! That’s so awesome! You’re going to be so tan and have so much fun.” When they said that, I actually believed them. I imagined myself with sun bleached hair, bronze skin, and at least 10 pound lighter—just because I lived in California. For a little while, California actually lived up to my expectations (everything except for the weight loss by osmosis). Then it happened, So Cal got “weather.”

First the weather started out as what is referred to as “June Gloom.” June Gloom is California’s version of Seattle during its rainy season, except we don’t get rain, we get inversion. We get inversion almost every single day straight for almost a month. It’s almost enough to make you slit your wrists, but then the inversion burns off and instead of slitting your wrists—you go to the beach.

When it comes to predicting weather in So Cal, it can be a little tricky. I always joke that during the summer it’s 73 degrees every single day. Well, it’s not really a joke—it’s the truth. The tricky thing is, summer in So Cal does not come at the same time summer comes for the rest of the country—ask my sister Suzy. Every summer she comes out and wants to get a tan, but instead she gets bronchitis. Fourth of July in Utah meant all-nighters in tank tops and skirts; in So Cal you better plan on wearing a hoodie and wrapping up in a blanket if you want to watch the fireworks at the beach. But I digress. For any of you planning a trip to the beach in So Cal, you best make your plans for August, September, or October. Wasn’t it Mark Twain that said, “One of the coldest winters I ever spent was a summer in Redondo Beach”? Oh, no, he didn’t say that. I did.

Somehow all my rambling above brings us to the current season, winter. Since summertime is in the fall here, then fall is in winter—right? Not too shabby. This is the time when I love living where I live. The location, that is. While all ya’ll are freezing your nose hairs on your way out to your car in the morning, I’m putting on my puffy coat and calling it good. Yes, I do need a coat in the morning. But, get this; I take the coat off around noon. Boohyah! In your face snow and ice! The weather is all good in So Cal in the winter—except in my house.

My house was built in the 1940s or 50s I’m guessing. It's very "Leave it to My Beaver." I mean, "Leave it to Beaver." The oven gives you a good idea of what I’m dealing with (see previous blog). It’s a real charmer—in the summer (which is fall for everyone else, remember?). But in the winter (which is winter to the EXTREME for everyone else) my house really leaves much to be desired. Think plaster walls without insulation. Think one heater that is supposed to heat the entire house, but only heats the living room. It’s one of those old heaters that get so hot so fast it peels paint and burns butts. When it gets that hot, you have to turn it off. Once the heater is off, the lack of insulation kicks in in mere seconds and you’re right back to freezing again. This is all combined with the moisture factor. It’s moist in So Cal. Moist like a community gym after everyone and their grandma has left—cold and damp and ripe for the molding. There is mold on the windows, mold in the shower, mold in the cupboards, and get this—mold on the wall in the bedroom. MOLD ON THE WALL IN THE BEDROOM! Insanity.

So, the old house is charming—and evil and moldy at the same time. I say evil because, in my book, cold walks hand in hand with the Devil. So, my house is also possessed. It’s cold. The floors are cold, the windows are drafty, and the heater—as I mentioned above is on Satan’s side as well. The only thing saving me right now is the oscillating heater. “The oscillating heater?” you ask. Yes, the oscillating heater.

The oscillating heater cost $35.00 at Longs Drug. When Anthony first brought it home, I was skeptical. How could something that is the size of a 5 gallon beer keg do any damage with the cold situation in our house? I was so skeptical I may have even guffawed at the idea. (“Guffawed.” Just writing that word makes me guffaw!) But, would you know it, that little puppy heats not only the small area it is sitting in, but the two adjacent rooms that used to be so cold that Steven Spielberg should have used one of them to freeze Hans Solo in. Har!

Science is amazing, isn’t it? I remember not long ago the space heaters of old that we used to melt our plastic dolls and Christmas chocolates on. You couldn’t do that with the oscillating heater. It’s ceramic. That means it holds in the heat without getting hot—or something like that. You couldn’t melt dolls faces on it, that’s what I’m getting at.

Yes, So Cal isn’t paradise, and I still need to lose some weight and get a tan. But, if it weren’t for the oscillating heater, all those things would be true—and I would also be COLD.

God bless the oscillating heater…and those small robots that vacuum. I want one of those next.

The End