Motherhussy

Making Good Use of Her Time, Charise Learns About Hellfire and Damnation

The “boss woman” has been out of the office for a couple of days this week, so after doing some of my normal daily tasks, I decided to do some extra-curricular job-oriented research. Meaning, I decided to read the Bible. I know what you’re all thinking, “You read the Bible? You, Charise, the one whose husband has to bribe her with eternal life and a kingdom in heaven to get her to go to church? The one who use to think that God made Sundays for the sole purpose of eating Krispy Kremes, and drinking crappy Krispy Kreme Koffee…I mean, coffee. The one that still thinks that God can’t see Vegas? You read the Bible? What the…?”

Anyway, yes. I read some of the Bible. Well, it was just sitting there looking so innocent and holy, and I figured I hadn’t read it in a while so I thought I would take a gander. This isn’t just any Bible though; it’s a kinder, gentler Bible. It uses words that “modern” people like me and you use—like “excrement”. No joke, that word was in there.

I don’t know why I do these things to myself, but I went straight to the book of Revelations. I chose Revelations because my faint recollections of the “good book” were of the frightening things that happen when the END OF THE WORLD comes. I get END OF THE WORLD dreams quit often, so I thought that maybe this book may have some parallels. I had no idea what I was getting into. I read the whole book, and by that time it was time for me to kick off. Immediately I had to call Nick to tell her all the hellfire and damnation that was going to happen to the Earth, I knew she would appreciate it. Some interesting (scary as hell) things that stood out to me:

 The moon is going to turn to blood
 The sea is going to turn to blood
 There is going to be hail and fire—of course, mixed with blood
 There are going to be locusts that sting like scorpions—but not to worry, they’re only going to torment the evil for 5 MONTHS!
 There is going to be a wonderful variety of 7-headed beasts that want to kill everyone
 There are all types of acid-trip-like angels covered in eyes, and angels that want to kill evil people
 There’s going to be a lake of fire

Yes, all of the above is disturbing—isn’t it? That was just a minuscule description. But, not to worry, if you somehow make it out of all the above alive, you’ll probably get to live with God and Jesus and a lot of angels in a city made of gold and jewels. Wow. What a trip.

So, me being a believer of God and Jesus Christ, I’m obviously a little shaken up. I know, I know, most of Revelation is symbolism that is open for interpretation, but anything that can be interpreted into “nauseous and virulent sores on all the people” must not be too pleasant to begin with.

Anywhoo, my point is—I think I may just try a little harder to “do unto others” and whatnot. I don’t want to be stung by locust-scorpion hybrids for 5 MONTHS!

Yes, by my account, Revelations is a trip-and-a-half—but in the immortal words of Lavar Burton, “You don’t have to take my word for it!” Read Revelations for yourself!

posted by Anonymous @ 4:53 PM