Motherhussy

Pillow Talk or Too Much Information in the Second to Last Sentence

Lately, I’ve been having a reoccurring thought. This thought has to do with sleeping, and who in the hell started the tradition of married couples sleeping in the same bed? This thought has come to my attention after several nights of less-than-blissful sleep.

I remember the single days. Days when I would plop my (insert word: tired, drunk, sick, spent, lazy) self into an empty queen-size bed and call it a night. I would drool on the pillows, toss, turn, mumble in my sleep, and wrap the blankets around myself like a mummy or just kick them off entirely. I would do all of those things and nobody would complain. After getting married this is not how it goes at all.

My night now goes a little something like this:

Depending on who gets in bed first, usually me, I get all cozy and prepare for a much earned and much desired comatose state. Moments later I am awaken by the rush of cold air being inhaled into my down cocoon. It’s Anthony. Couldn’t he somehow slither under the covers without disturbing the warmth I’ve worked so hard to create? By working hard, I mean tossing and turning so I generate enough body heat that I can sleep without icicles forming on my nose. (Our house is cold—but I’ve already blogged about that. If you didn’t read it, then damn you.) Sometimes I think he does this on purpose, as a way to punish me for getting cozy before he does. He knows that there is nothing more in life that I loathe than being cold. I know, I know, I live in Southern California—it’s not as cold here as it is elsewhere (like Utah). But it’s a different cold here. When it’s cold here, it’s like having Jack Frost beat you about the face and body—and then having a bucket of water on poured your head. I’m sure that painted the perfect picture. But I digress.

After Anthony had disturbed me with the cold air treatment, he then proceeds to pull the blankets off of me. Mind you, I have them wrapped—neigh, formed—perfectly around my body so as not to let any heat escape. Well, he has no respect for the art that is blanket wrapping. He just disregards it and pulls them away so he can get warm too! So selfish. Eventually, a silent blanket tug-of-war ensues. He pulls a little, I pull a little. He pulls more, I pull more. Eventually we either end up wrestling each other onto the ground, or we exhaust ourselves to sleep—regardless of who has the perfect balance of blanket.

Once asleep, I begin to dream. I dream of all sorts of wonderful things. Finding money in my clothes pockets, being naked at my old high school, discovering and extra addition to the house that contains a mini-fridge and all the bottled Mexican Coke I can drink. Right as I’m going to: spend the money, hand in my science project for an “A”, or drink my sixth bottled Mexican Coke, I’m awaken by a rattle. Judas! Is the San Andreas shifting again? That happens sometimes. No, it’s not the fault—it’s Anthony. Snoring. Anthony doesn’t just snore. He doesn’t just saw logs. Anthony massacres rainforests and leaves exotic frogs homeless with his snores. Most of the time when I first hear his snoring, I usually panic and start a mini heart-attack. When I realize it is just his snores, I kick him. That usually helps for about ten seconds. Then I kick again. Then he gets mad and I remind him that he’s waking up babies in Thailand. Usually then he rolls over to his side, the snoring stops and I fall asleep again. If all goes well, I sleep until the alarm goes off in the morning. If all doesn’t go well, Anthony gets restless and tosses and turns and stands up and wanders around and gets back in bed and tosses and turns and stands up and does old man calisthenics and pops a couple of Tylenol PM and falls asleep. Then I fall asleep.

After reading the above, can’t you see how totally right it is for couples to have separate beds and bedrooms? Granted, this doesn’t happen every night. On the nights we have hot, passionate, wet, wild…..uhhhhhh…….yeah. Well, on those nights I sleep just fine.

posted by Anonymous @ 10:14 AM