Another apology letter to another (almost) stranger:
Dear Tony (If “Tony” really is your name…),I’m terribly sorry I called the FBI last week and told them that I thought you were a wanted sex predator. You must forgive me, but your likeness to the predator in question is absolutely uncanny. Just in case you are wondering what likenesses I’m referring to, please refer to the following list.
| Wanted Sex Predator | You |
| Short and overweight (5’ 8, 245 lbs) | Short and overweight |
| Grey and balding | Grey and balding |
| Evil hazel eyes | Evil hazel eyes |
| Saggy jowls | Saggy jowls |
| Ties to CA | Well, obviously, ties to CA |
| Old (62 years) | Old (you look like you’re at least 60) |
| Pervert | *Pervert |
After going over the list above, I’m sure you won’t be able to blame me for calling America’s Most Wanted and telling them you just might be the predator they’re looking for. Oh? I didn’t tell you I called America’s Most Wanted too? Well, I did. I had to cover my bases. You must imagine the terror I experienced for several days, believing that an armed and dangerous sex predator was attending my PARA1 class. The first night I “was on to you”, I stayed up until four in the morning, awake with the fear you may have somehow found my address and were, at that very moment, planning the ways you would victimize me. There are many ways you could have victimized me if you were indeed the predator, which is why I made sure my husband couldn’t sleep that night either. If you were going to victimize me, you would have to victimize him first—and I don’t think he would take kindly to a fat old man victimizing him.
Luckily for me, and for the rest of my class, you were not the sexual predator I thought you were. I very much hope that the FBI did not inquire about your criminal record at your place of work, or somewhere inconvenient like that. I’m sure they figured out that I was just paranoid, and you were not a sexual predator, without even having to contact you. At least I hope that was the case.
I hope you can accept my sincere apology. In parting, may I give you a little advice? In the future, try to be a little less fat and creepy. I’m sure that another paranoid woman, much like me, will compare your likeness to the likeness of a sexual predator again if you’re not careful.
Sincerely,
Charise
*My grounds for labeling you a pervert: On our way to the law library I saw you casually, yet intentionally, smack one of the other female students on the ass. Your hand lingered there a little longer than it should have, considering it shouldn’t have even been there in the first place. I was standing behind you when you did that, you dirty old man. You sicken me.
posted by Anonymous @ 7:23 PM
4 Comments:
Did you really call the FBI and America's Most Wanted? HAR!!
Honey, do you really think I didn't?
You don't know me, you don't know me at all!
PS. You're going to get married.
PPS. You're mother goes to college.
Ha! You totally did call them - just like when I called the cops and they had the search and rescue out at Utah Lake because we thought a plane had gone down (it was just dusting crops) member that one??? member???
Who could forget! We are so disaster hungry it's sad. I think when we finally uncover a corpse, see a plane crash, or find a wanted criminal, we won't feel anything because we will have gone over it so many times in our head. We'll be numb.
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