Motherhussy

Coming Clean

I have a bad habit. Well, I have TONS of bad habits. But I'm only going to talk about one of them today. This bad habit is watching "Maury Povich" almost every day after my morning walk. I know, I know--what a waste of time. I may as well be watching "Jerry Springer." Well, I've gotten older and softer--so Jerry is a little harsh for me, but I still need my white trash fix. To me, Maury is the PG Rated version of Jerry Springer. Lots of hoes and beyotches, pimps,and trailers but the guests keep their clothes on and there aren't as many "beeeeeeeeeeeeep" "beeeeeepity" "beeeeeeeeeeps" throughout. Only a few sprinkled here and there.

Lately most of the shows have centered around the theme of "Paternity Test Results Revealed." Disgustingly delightful. The stars of these shows usually fall under three categories:

1. Uneducated young trailer mother who "is 1,000% sure that he is the father." Usually wears too much eyeliner and pants that are wayyyyyyy too tight.
2. Skinny, white (or heavy black and/or mexican) male who is "1,000% sure he is not the father." Says "bitch" and "ho" a lot!
3. Poor, innocent baby that will forever be scarred by the two selfish retards that spawned him/her. My worst fear for the child is that he/she will grow up and find the old Maury episode where his/her father denies being said child's dad, and the child finds out that there were a possible of 12+ men that could have been his/her father. If the child didn't already know his/her mother was a total hoochie slut, he/she would after watching the old episode. Talk about a bombshell! My prediction is that 27% of our future felonists and/or serial killers will have appeared on the "Maury Povich Show" as unaware infants.

But there is a positive spin on all of this depressing sociatal decay. I have decided to come clean on something that I have been hiding for a couple of years. Now, this may be a bombshell to a lot of you--and I'm asking for your support through all of this. I've been keeping a deep, dark, stinky, damp, moldy secret from my dear devoted husband Anthony, and the secret is this:

Anthony, this is terribly hard for me to tell you, but there is a possibility you may not be the father of Cody and Colton.

There, I did it. Total freaking honesty. It feels good. I just hope that Anthony is willing to forgive me. I don't know, maybe a DNA test is in order? Shall I call the Maury Show? I hear they give them for free.

posted by Anonymous @ 10:01 AM