Breaking Up is Easy to Do
I just found a little story initiated by my sister (Nick) asking the question: "What was your worst break-up ever?"
Enjoy...
Worst Break-Up Ever
Ah, the break up. Who hasn’t gone through a nasty oneat least once in their life time? If you haven’t, you haven’t been living. I have had a number of “nasty”break ups. To name a few:
• Divorce of ex-husband highlights include:profanity and accusations of sluttery, slapping,tearing up of wedding garter and throwing on hood oftruck, on going child support spats.
• Break-up with “Baby Huey” highlights include:Sister calling father to get said “Baby” kicked out ofapartment.
• Break-up with “Park City Dave” including: Tears and the statement, “I can’t do this anymore.”(Drama anyone?)
Although all of the above accounts are classic, the best of the worst would have to be with famous “Eric the Stalker.” The following is an account of the traumatic, yet hilarious experience:
It all began with online dating. Sometimes fun, sometimes dangerous, online dating is something not to be taken very lightly. I learned this the hard way after meeting “Erik the Stalker” on a religious website which will not be named. This website is famous for sexually pent up RMs to get their rocks off, while keeping up their celestial exteriors. In my opinion, probably 95 percent of the men on that website are there purely for the sweet, sweet picking of naïve church girls. These men set their sights on any number of cute little girls with the intentions of copping a feel and then hitting the road. If they get some brownies or a home cooked meal in the deal—even better! I thought myself to be smarter than that. First off, I wasn’t a naïve church girl. Some would even say I was“wild.” Secondly, I was in it purely for the laughs and meat market like environment. I like to pick and choose too. What I ended up picking was someone who seemed like a fun guy—blonde, going to medical school, sounded good enough to give it a shot.
*Now, one important thing to remember when online dating—people are not always, in reality, who they seem to be online. “Erik the Stalker” and I emailed back and forth for a little while before I felt safe enough to give him my digits. Soon, we had a date. “Erik the Stalker” showed up at the front door looking tall, tan, and a little out of the times. He was wearing a plaid, short-sleeved button down shirt, dark denim jeans, and BIRKENSTOCK SANDLES. Where did he step out of? The year 1997, I was assuming. Nonetheless, I decided to go out and have fun. Our dates (all three of them) were basically very lame. I could tell he was lacking in funds by the constant use of a credit (not debit) card, and I also found out he wasn’t a genuine medical student. He was“going to be” a medical student. What good is that? That’s like saying, “I’m going to have a penis implant.” These were no doubt signs of trouble.
With his increasing neediness (calling me over five times aday), and his decreasing sense of style (oversized letterman jackets and Colorado high tops) I was feeling we needed some time “apart.” (Charise’s definition of “time apart”: Leave me the hell alone forever!) I decided to tell “Erik the Stalker” about this idea one morning after he had repeatedly called my cellphone and home phone a dozen or more times within aperiod of 6 hours. His desperate messages varied from“Charise, it’s Erik. I’m just calling to see whereyou’ve been” to “Charise, Erik. I’m really worried about you little girl. I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re not hurt lying in a ditch somewhere. Please, please, please call me. I’m so worried.” Keep in mind,we had only gone out three times at this point. There was no wedding engagement. There was no promise to keep him posted of my whereabouts at all times. There was no commitment. Initially when I told “Erik the Stalker” of my wanting to spend time apart, he seemed cool with it. Little was I to know that in reality, he was not.
Due to ADD and time restraints at work, this summaryis going to be cut short. Highlights of Charise’s break-up with “Erik the Stalker” include, but are not limited to:
• Cancer afflictions
• Scary medical ID bracelets in the mail
• Forged medical documents
• Books about girls being murdered
• Romantic DVDs
• Threats of suicide
• Clever quips such as, “you’ll get what you deserve” and “ you’re a f-ing whore”
• Court dates and fines
Needless to say, that was my worst break up ever. The End.
posted by Anonymous @ 8:14 PM
8 Comments:
You forgot to mention
1. Emailing your little sister
2. Calling your little sister
3. Accusing you of giving him an STD.
4. Stories about babies
The end.
*shudder*
Remember those fishy lips and the wierd nervous laugh and eye darting. ewwwwy - and that massive phone call he gave you in St. George. And the country album...and that bar thingy that I sold for sixty bucks - and the journal that I sold for $10 ha!
LOL!!! You made money off of my nightmare...
What about the Jesus lamp he carved for you?
OMGOOOGLE - I totally forgot about that. EEK! That lamp - har!
You said "OMGOOOGLE" That is funny!
"OMGOOGLE"--WHAT THE F?
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